Contributed by Irene Watson

I believe, without a doubt, that our perception of control can wreak havoc in our lives if we believe we can control others and outcomes simply by our actions. We truly do not have control over what other people say or do and we certainly cannot know for sure how they might perceive day-to-day events.

There are two very important things that we have control over in out lives: We have control over how we perceive things in our lives and we have control over how we decide to act upon what we perceive.

In this basic introduction to control versus perceived control, I want to provide a simplistic example. I like to use the common theme of my “surrender and letting-go” examples, driving, because so many of us can relate to driving scenarios.

Example;

You are at an intersection that has two lanes going in your direction. You are stopped at the intersection’s red light with two cars in front of you and the light turns green. The front car does not move and you wait what feels like an eternity (about 4 seconds) and then you begin to feel hot and frustrated. Depending upon your personality, you might just fester and feel angry in your seat while thinking, “what is wrong with that person,” or you might honk persistently loud and long to show your frustration and maybe you might even roll your window down and yell at the driver to move. Then, you decide to back up and strategically move to the empty lane in order to “show them” how furious you are over their stupidity. You expend a tremendous amount of energy and finally get your car in the empty lane only to see an elderly couple walking hand-in-hand trying to make it as quickly as they can across the street. In less than 20 seconds, the elderly couple made it across the street and the front car was able to move forward.

The other choice in this scenario is to take a breath and perceive the situation entirely differently than the example provides. It takes a lot less energy to perceive things in a peaceful manner rather than expending energy to take control of the situation, which is clearly not in your control.

I gave a driving scenario we have all probably experienced at least once or twice and probably several times over our driving careers thus far. I am referring to utter frustration and sometimes-furious rage, at other drivers on the road. Driving is a great example of how we can practice surrender and letting go while understanding more tangible ways of control versus perceived control.

We clearly do not have control over what another driver is doing or why they may be stopped when clearly the traffic light is green indicating that they should go, as described in my previous scenario with more detail. If you believe that you have control thus act out your frustrations towards the other drivers in the scenario and you truly believe that your actions will make a difference in the scenario, you are acting under the illusion of perceived control.

You do not have control over what the other driver is doing and you do not have control over pedestrians, the idea of control here is guided by your perceived control and not real control: the only thing that you have real control over are your perceptions of the situation and your actions.

Another way to perceive this scenario is to trust and believe, even on this small scale life event, that the person at the front of the traffic line is stopped for a reason, whether you like it or not, they are stopped. What you choose to believe and do next are in your control. You can choose to wait the 20 seconds and be calm and actively relax yourself if needed. You can choose to perceive the other driver as good in their intentions and you can let go of the negative perceptions as described in the previous scenario.

You have a choice to allow yourself to get worked up and “act out” or you can choose to believe and behave differently. Either way you choose, the car in front of you will still wait on the green light as the elderly couple make their way across the street.

Irene Watson, MA, is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.