Contributed by Irene Watson, MA

In recovery, we inevitably realize we have relationships with people whose behavior or attitudes do not support our recovery efforts. We then decide whether we want these “toxic” people in our lives. Some of them we eliminate from our lives, such as the negative friend or the alcoholic who refuses to seek help. Others we decide to keep, especially close family members; they can be difficult to deal with, but we learn to set boundaries and improve the relationship because we love these people and their good points. 

Then there are the toxic people we cannot easily eliminate. Those who attend our church, belong to the same organization, or are our co-workers. We can make drastic choices here by attending a different church or finding a different job, but while that may be the only solution, it also gives power to the toxic person, if not directly, then in our minds. So what do we do? Here’s an example from which to draw ideas. 

Tom used to work with a nasty co-worker named June. June whined a lot. She never had anything nice to say about anyone in the office. Because she was smart and did her job well, the boss overlooked her behavior, even when her gossip and talking behind others’ backs resulted in people calling in sick or going home in tears. June’s boss tried to talk to her about her lack of people skills, but it did no good, and June’s boss was afraid to confront her further because of her sharp tongue. Tom and his co-workers thought June should be fired, but not having that power, they had no choice but to work with her. 

Such situations make us feel we are stuck. Since Tom didn’t want to quit his job, he did his best to distance himself from June. He discussed work and only work with her, and only when necessary. He refused to participate when she tried to start a conversation about a co-worker. He refrained from talking to anyone about anyone else in the office, whether it was June or another. Ultimately, he found he was no longer caught up in the office drama. Sometimes co-workers would come to him complaining about June. He would listen and comfort them, but he would not comment on June’s behavior. Thankfully, the day came when June found a different job. 

Today, Tom admits that whenever he makes a decision to do something that requires stepping out of the box, his fear will kick in; then he hears June’s negative voice in his head telling him he’ll mess up or fail. He has many wonderful supportive friends, yet June’s toxicity still seeps in. When he realizes he’s hearing June’s voice, he does what he never could at work. He tells her “Shut up, June.” Sometimes Tom adds a few more choice words. Then he feels free to move forward. 

Figure out who are the toxic people in your life. Decide which ones you can eliminate, and how to change your relationship with the others. Start with the least toxic people to gain strength and practice before dealing with the most toxic one. You’ll be happier and freer as a result.

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.