Contributed by Irene Watson, MA

A friend once told me to, “Say what you mean. Mean what you say, but you don’t have to be mean about it.”

Wouldn’t life be easier if we all followed that advice? We all find ourselves in uncomfortable situations; when that happens, how often do we find excuses or let things happen that we don’t like because we’re not willing to say what we really mean? At first it may be hard, but in the long run, everything becomes easier when we are direct about how we feel and what we want.

A simple example, and a great place to start learning to be direct is with telemarketers. They tend not to take “No” for an answer. How often instead of saying, “No” do we try to be polite by saying things like “I’m not interested right now,” or “I’ll think about it,” or “Maybe some other time,” or “I’m sorry, but I’m about to go out the door.” The telemarketer only uses that as an opportunity to keep trying to convince us. We may end up apologizing as we hang up on the telemarketer. Then we feel frustrated because we feel we were rude, but we also don’t like being harassed. Had we been direct, we would have saved ourselves from hearing more of the telemarketers’ spiel as well as the wasted time feeling angry and frustrated after the phone call.

Caller ID was a great invention. When telemarketers call, we can see it’s them and not pick up the phone. But that doesn’t stop them from calling, and it doesn’t teach us to be direct. Usually, the telemarketer will just keep calling, often every day. If we decide not to pick up the phone, we are still interrupted by the phone ringing, having to check the Caller ID, and then listening to the answering machine turn on. Every time this happens can distract us from what we are doing and still make us feel frustration. Instead, be direct. Pick up the phone. Tell the telemarketer, “I’m not interested. Please take me off your calling list.” (They are required by law to quit calling you if you ask them to). We don’t need to be rude, just direct. The calls will stop; the situation is resolved. The sooner we are direct, the sooner the frustration ends.

Being direct is not always easy, so start out with small things like telemarketers. Work your way up to the bigger things. If you find it difficult to say what you know you should, tell the person you need to think about it. That will give you time to formulate your reply. When you do, don’t offer an excuse, don’t apologize, just simply state you’re not interested. For example, if someone asks you to go to a party and you don’t want to go, just say, “No, I don’t want to.” You don’t need to pretend you have other plans. Just be direct.

Practice by imagining yourself in different situations where you clearly state what you want to say. Sometimes you may even know a request is coming. Then take the time to figure out how you want to respond rather than just dreading the request until you find yourself in the situation and let yourself feel like a victim. You are not a victim. You are in control of you. Be direct and you’ll retain control.

Irene Watson, MA,  is author of The Sitting Swing: Finding Wisdom to Know the Difference, and co-editor of The Story that Must Be Told: True Tales of Transformation, and Authors Access: 30 Success Secrets for Authors and Publishers. She is a workshop leader, managing editor of Reader Views, and president of a non-profit Higher Power Foundation. Irene lives next to Barton Creek in Austin, TX, with her husband Robert.